It's Raining, it's pouring . . .

. . . Life without full-time work can be boring!

I just returned from a walk with the Bud Man. Ten minutes in I turned to see a dark gray-purple sky but kept going and of course we got rained on. That is the summary of the most exciting part of my day so far.

Earlier, Buddy! was barking and I said, "That's enough! Buddy!, you are not the boss in this house. I am."And I just know that one of my neighbors had to be walking by outside and heard me. "There she goes, talking to her dog again. Crazy." Because our kitchen window from 1879 isn't really soundproof.

I actually do have some work to do, as I'm now an independent PR practitioner heading up the Making Strides Walk this year. And next week I'm working for my friend at the wonderful little boutique Haute. My job alert emails send me helpful notices for positions like "Production/Inspectors/Packers" and it's not like that doesn't sound interesting but I wonder how that job showed up from the keyword "writing."

I wanted to share this pic from mine and Elbow's honeymoon. After the very first winery we visited, we got back in the chauffeured car and chitchatted with the driver who personally knew the winery owners. Elbow takes my notebook, scrawls something in it and then slides it over the seat to me. And I'm like "Oh, a love note!" But it was this:

Note my response.

Bonus photo:

Ugh. The sit and reach is so hard.

Real Housewives of New Orleans

So if I had a child I might be busier. But I don't. So I'm a housewife who literally goes to yoga and works on her "novel."

This morning I weeded and watered the plants, swept the side and back patio, cleaned the kitchen and did a load of laundry. Then it was 8:00 a.m.

Man, them plants look good.

Is that long plant supposed to be in there? Or is it a weed?

I accidentally knocked this bird's nest out of the tree with my broom.

Bird's Nest, circa 2012. Artist: Sam Fritz.

Perfect weather for cleaning the patio.

Squeaky.

Since I'm home days now I make detailed lists of everything I'm going to do and then I record the amount of time it takes me to do them. This sounds so crazy. Do other stay-at-home wives do this?

I did apply to like 25 jobs, schedule an informational interview and reach out to two more industry experts. And then it was noon.

I walked to Zara's and bought a head of cabbage for 73 cents! Did you know that cabbage is that cheap? Most housewives probably do. And then, I swear this is true, a woman got in line behind me dressed to the nines and wearing bright pink lipstick. Do you know what she bought? A head of cabbage.

In other news, I'm going to be a Cherry Bomb! I get to dance in parades. I had to audition and everything. This is a dream come true for me. I get to wear a red tutu and do eight counts in my head. I told Elbow and he was like "Who am I going to watch the parades with?" So he needs a new Mardi Gras steady. But I can't wait! See pics/info if you're interested: http://nolacherrybombs.com/

DIY dog grooming

Two big things happened recently that lead Elbow and I to shave Buddy!: I don't have a full-time job anymore and we got married.

Elbow is calling it a time of "austerity measures." What he means is that we will not pay the $60 to have the dog professionally groomed. Instead, we will do it ourselves on the back patio while it's 100 degrees outside and I'm wearing a pink party dress.

What happened is this. Elbow came home from work with clippers ($30). He said, "Bud Man, you're gonna get it." And I was all, "What's Bud Man gonna get?" Then I saw the clippers and I was all, "Oh Bud Man, you're gonna get it."

And of course I was showered and dressed for a birthday party that started in two hours. But I was needed to assist in the procedure. I tried to stay out of the mess but about half an hour into it, Buddy! completely freaked out and jumped into my lap and rubbed his loose fur-covered face all over me. 

Poor little Bud Man never saw it coming:

Furry

"Uh-oh"

"What the ???"

Fur Butt

"This blows"

Progress

My new fur suit. I'm sharing this horrible photo in the name of journalistic integrity.

Results: Not quite a sleek silhouette

Just like they do it at the dog spa

 You would think he'd be mad at us. But this morning he jumped around the house for two hours straight, like "Wheeee, I'm finally free of all that FUR!!!!"

Reason #73 that New Orleans is the only acceptable city in which to live

Last night I had book club with the ladies at Delachaise. Normally we meet at someone's house and eat like 10,000 calories worth of homemade crab dip and break someone's wedding crystal (me). We decided to meet at a bar/restaurant to try something different and to keep it casual. So, in New Orleans "casual" means . . .
BOURBON STREET B*#ches! 

Doesn't anybody have a job to go to?

Yes, book club started at 6:30. JS and I arrived early and fought off the Suits for prime happy hour seating. We ordered the cheap wine of the day and politely discussed the book. At 8:00 M, the funnest attorney in the world (FAW), decided we should head Downtown for Fleet Week fireworks.

And I'm like "no I should probably go home and sleep so I can not be hungover at work for once" and they are all like "Fabulous. We'll just go across the street to Rite Aid and get this huge box of 'Cabernet.'"

They were out of Franz.

FAW owns a giant vehicle with a "way back" so we all got to cruise the Quarter and catch the tail end of the Fireworks at the intersection of Tchoup and Calliope. Then we went to an awesome time share property that another awesome book club member manages. She will be known as Woman Who Stays at Chic Properties for Cheap when Vacationing Because of her Sweet Job (WWSCP... I will just call her Z).

Look where Z works:

The snazzy lobby.

That is a giant box of wine on her lap. Thumbs up.

To make a long story short, we walked around the French Quarter with box-o-wine in plastic cups and yelled at Sailors. We even went to The Beach on Bourbon. Lawd.

In case you were wondering, the book we read was Hunger Games. Yaaay, teenagers! Next time we are reading something more stimulating called 50 Shades of Grey. Apparently it is "mommy porn." I'm trying to be a serious adult, but it's just really hard in this town. New Orleans is just too. Much. Fun. 

Oh, I got a surprise wedding shower at work. I could put a nice photo of me in my faux veil holding my new portable cupcake stand but instead I'll show you this one:

Surprise! Nice notebook.

Need me to stand in traffic? Everyone is miserable.

Going back to work after Mardi Gras is not fun. EVERYONE is hungover and on some kind of diet restriction. Whether it's for Lent or just your annual "March cleanse" (thank you to my friend J.K. for that one), everyone I know is now restricting themselves in some way.

Today my boss ordered me to Poydras Street to take pictures of a building for the second day in a row. Apparently my Samsung-snapped shots of the frickin' toilet papered streets of New Orleans aren't exactly what she had in mind for her commercial banking brochure.

So I stand in traffic in Downtown New Orleans and try to crop out the porta potties, garbage, hazard signs and homeless people still littering the streets after seven days of hardcore partying. The employees behind the floor to ceiling windows are starting to look worried and eventually send out a security guard with PINK gold teeth to ask me what the h#ll do I think I'm doing. And didn't she see me yesterday, too?

So then I have to go in the bank and explain who I am and why I'm recording them on my cell phone. Fortunately, there is no HR person around to tell me they need proof of permission. B/c I don't have that.

I gave up cheese. In an effort to curb my binge-eating tendencies I cut a few items from my diet. I figure I'll carry on this behavior until my big fat June wedding and then I'll reevaluate (read: pig out on the honeymoon). So here is what I pretend I don't eat currently: cheese, pork, french fries and soda (pop, cold drink).

So when my boss is extra cranky this week I try not to take it too personally. We were all at the same big party and we are all now repenting. When I came home from work yesterday and told Elbow how much work sucked, he said "Work sucked for everybody in New Orleans today." Tru dat.

Happy Ash Wednesday! Here's your Mardi Gras porn.

I was not going to go out on Mardi Gras day. There is a tradition here that everyone wears a costume, weird or sexy or whatever, and walks to the Marigny and the French Quarter neighborhoods. From our house to the R Bar in the Marigny is 4.2 miles and an hour-and-23-minute walk according to Google Maps.

Since Elbow threw the male equivalent of a hissy fit when I said I wasn't wearing a costume or schlepping it to the Quarter, I woke up at 7:23 a.m. yesterday, put on sparkly tights and jorts and poured myself some cheap sparkling wine. Aaah, drunk people are so funny in the morning.

First stop was to our friend's St. Charles Avenue place to meet the Louisiana Festival Queens. Here they are in all their glory. There were supposed to be more of them but some must have needed extra beauty sleep.

So I totally don't fit in this picture, but see how I instinctively knew to bend one knee?

We met up with a small group and hitched a ride in the back of G's truck, which he parked . . . somewhere. I hope he found it. But we don't know because at 3 pm, Elbow abruptly decided he'd had enough. We had to leave behind the fun and the Tex Mex tacos I had ordered and already paid for.

Here's a snapshot of the day, plus a bonus from Sunday morning. You have to see what this lady caught. And on the Lord's day! For shame.

View of St. Charles Avenue

The crowd at the R bar

The Kiss in real time

2 dudes

Trippy

 

Pretty Good

Waiting for the tacos that never came

These 2 were almost nekked

Like the Wizard of Oz, but more enthralling

What's it going to say?!?

Bourbon Street

Dancing Girls

Is that Franco Harris?

Hail the King

You get bum and belly in this one

Again, weird

Peacock

Purple Drink

The coveted peepee beads

Muses: Shoulder Stands and Shoes

Came in second at State 4 years in a row

Yep, I still got it. Here's me and M. after we executed a perfect shoulder climb. I used to do this all the time back in the college days. Only sober.

This time I did with thousands of screaming angry drunk people. Yes, angry. The parade on Thursday night known as Muses makes people angry. The ladies who ride (you gotta get the lingo down when you live in NoLa. Parades "roll." People in them "ride" and people on the ground catch "throws.") decorate all these sparkly feathery and pretty much horrendous shoes and then are very choosy about to whom they throw.

The crowd's reaction is to push and shove anyone who gets in their way to grovel to the Muses ladies for a shoe they can put on their mantle and brag to their friends about it. Do I sound bitter? Maybe because I didn't get a damn shoe and I put a 27-year-old on my shoulders! C'mon!

After the parades, where we drank daiquiris (thanks K&J), Crown (M only) and Fosters (me- the oil can was only $5), we went back to The Amelia and ate Popeyes and then I walked 15 blocks home. Is this why I didn't remember to put the little plastic coffee filter holder in the coffee pot this morning? There was coffee all over the counter, on the cabinets and the floor.

Here's some more pics. After the weekend I'll have lots more. Stay tuned. I hope everyone in other cities is enjoying being able to drive freely through your neighborhoods. We lost that privilege 2 days ago.

Setting up their spots and using the kids as place holders

Has anyone seen the movie Drop Dead Gorgeous? There's a parade with a giant swan and it blows up and kills Denise Richards.